A System Error has Occured

Why doesn't that fucking website just accept my payment?

I'd like some sympathy. Please?

Every Dog has its Day

Here's how:

Persuade your mother to go back to academics- don't listen to her protests, fill up her form yourself, stick her picture and send it. And then

You wonder if she needs to have her eyes checked-will she be able to see the board without glasses?

Tell her that she absolutely needs to know computers for the course, and try to teach her to click and double-click. And when she doesn't show enthusiasm, pretend to be annoyed at her excuses (which are hilarious).

Insist that she carries a note-book, pens and other assorted stationery.

Drop her off at class.

Tell her not to fall asleep.

Go pick her up from class.

Demand whether she took notes, and then demand to see them.

Ask her what they taught her in class today.

Tell her 'Enough goofing, now go and study'.

Watch her do homework! Tell her yes, she absolutely must read all the 150 pages she's been asked to.

Go to bed when she's doing the homework.

Explain to her what a standard normal distribution is, and while you're at it, spout complicated mathematical formulae, and freak her out. And when she sniffily tells you that yes, she has heard of standard deviation is, having studied Stats in college, you ask her how they passed her if she doesn't know what a standard normal curve is.

Say profound things like 'Welcome to the real world'.

Wait for the tests to begin.

Relax the entire week she has contact classes- it's your good fortune that they're in Bangalore.

Yes, that's what I'm doing right now.

And yes, I also know that I'm mean.

Hahaha

Series of SMSes exchanged between GM & me yesterday-

GM: Cab feed high k noon s tut x
Me: What?
GM: Yup..You have to guess what it is!
Me: Wtf??
GM: Want a blue, I mean clue?
Me: silence
GM: The last sms was a clue
Me: Ok, you have officially lost it.
GM: Ha so you give up so soon?
Me: Yeah yeah
GM:Cmon you can do it!
Me: No!
GM: Give up? Damn shame!
Me: Yeah, man
GM: Just out of college and those little grey cells are already dying out, eh?
Me: You cook up some nonsense and expect me to make sense out of it?
GM: Exactly what someone said to Einstein.
Me: Aaaargh why did I ever tell you about dictionary?

The sheer pointlessness of it- you pity me don't you?
If you want to know what the sms that started it all is all about, each word is the longest that can be created by pressing a single key. Stare at your keypads for a while, all will make sense.

And can you guess how old GM is??

Found this while cleaning up my computer... We didn't publish this in our department magazine. Stupid. Should've.

OUR ANTHEM
(With profound apologies to Vikram Seth*)


The fact is, this work is as dreary as shit.
I do not like it a bit.
While at it I wander off into a dream.
When I return, I scream.

The boredom pulps my brain
And there is nothing at the day’s end to help assuage the pain.
I am alone, as I have usually been
The lawn is green.

Night after night
I turn off the tube light, the table light,
The weight lodged into my spirit will not go
For years, I know.

There is so much to do
There isn’t any time for feeling blue.
There isn’t any point in feeling sad.
Things could be worse. Right now they’re only bad.

* The original has two additional stanzas. It can be found in Seth's Collected Poems.

Apparently it does not. Now?

I've been told that my blog doesn't load properly on some browsers. Let's hope this takes care of the problem...

So Karla has a face...

This came by email, from my friend T:

"guys...i found this cream among my labmate's cosmetic possessions tht
she keeps in the lab. it comes in a jersey cow-black-patched
container. its called "udderly smooth- udder cream"...a protective
coating, useful as an aid for keeping skin soft n supple.
directions for use: wash udder and teat parts thoroughly with clean
water and soap before each milking to avoid contamination of milk. use
clean individual towels for this pupose. apply to the udder after each
milking, massaging into the skin. for teat cracks apply in sufficient
quantity to fill crack and cover surrounding area. apply uniformly to
chafed area and bruises to maintain skin suppleness.
for aid in softening swollen udders following calving. apply liberally
twice daily with gentle massage."

America is a truly strange country.

Update

Lastest reply to the Nigerian scammers. All credit to eyefry, again. Translastion below-

Самый дорогой Anna, Я нахожусь теперь в Abuja. Успешно увиливающ таможни авиапорта (я приносил вам половину килограмм кокаина и 3 пакетов марихуаны как token подарок захвата - понадейтесь вы и ваша семья насладится им!), Я обнаружил местонахождение местную главу Dispepsiana Narcoleptia и зарегистрировал как международный член. Я в настоящее время residing на их чудесном, albeit после того как 4$ет-роачю-инфестед, дом гостя в Ogbomosho. Завтра я буду вплоть riding до Maiduguri для того чтобы встретить некоторых друзей ехпортируют дешевые домодельные firearms к южной америке. Я приду получить вас как только моя работа будет сделана. Мир и влюбленность, Jorge. влюбленность p.s. изображение. Ваш нос приносит из ваших глаз.

"Dearest Anna,

I am now in Abuja. Having successfully eluded the airport customs (I've brought you half a kilogram of heroin and 3 packets of marijuana as a token engagement gift - hope you and your family will enjoy it!), I located the local chapter of Dispepsiana Narcoleptia and registered myself as an overseas member. I am currently residing at their wonderful, albeit roach-infested, guest house in Ogbomosho. Tomorrow I'm riding down to Maiduguri to meet with some friends who export cheap home-made firearms to South America. I will come and get you as soon as my work is done.

Peace and love,

Jorge.

p.s. love the picture. Your nose brings out your eyes."

NYC

A random, disjointed, non-chronological account of my three days there-

How many different forms of precipitation can fall on your head along the course of a single day? Four- rain, snow, hail and sleet, as I found out while trying to explore the environs of 42nd street and Times Square. And to think I chose the previous sunny and wholly precipitation-free day to spend inside the Met. Grr. One never appreciates the importance of weather forecasts when one has only lived in places where the three seasons are hot, hotter and hottest.

Ah, the Met. While it didn't make me completely ecstatic like the Louvre did, there were a few thrills of pleasure here and there-

• Monet's exquisite Rouen Cathedral- there's a whole series that he did of Rouen Cathedral, and the only one that hangs in the Met shows the Cathedral bathed in mid-day sunlight. Gorgeousness and gorgeosity.
• Edvard Munch's The Vampire.
• The medieval section- especially the absolutely magnificent choir screen or Reja that serves as its entrance. About 50 feet high, it was brought from Valladolid Cathderal in Spain. Awe-inspiring.
  
• A completely unexpected portrait- that of M. & Mme. Lavoisier! Apparently Madame was an artist, and also helped him write his papers. Oh, and you know that he was executed during the French Revolution?
• All the Rembrandt and Caravaggio paintings- although IMHO, the Louvre collection is better.
• The collection of Sevres pottery- over the top, but brilliant nevertheless.

Poster of Munch's The Scream was bought. Has been framed and awaits hanging in my room.

A (v. good friend and classmate who I stayed with) and I caught The Producers on Broadway. Good fun, thought the performances could've been much better. Monty Python and The Holy Grail was also on, but didn't get tickets for that, unfortunately. Wandered around Times Square, which looks exactly like it does on TV.

Went to Union Square, and spent quite possibly the most bizarre day (and in some ways, most fun) of my life there. Chanced upon a farmer's market(!) where I bought organic red-pepper and olive cheddar cheese. A man was standing in one corner and denouncing W and his cronies, he saw me grinning at his rant and beckoned me over. Turned out that the guy was from the LaRouche Political Action Group and tried to get me to donate some money, which I slimed out of doing. Still, he gave me some pamphlets (one of them was titled 'Children of Satan IV') which I've kept as a souvenir :)

Went (yet again-rendering useless previous day's walk from 42nd street to visit the one at Times Square in the freezing cold ) into Virgin Megastore- and found Vampire in Pakistan. Bought 8 1/2, Dr.Strangelove, Monty Python and The Meaning of Life, Pulp fiction and the entire Pink Panther series. Got lost trying to locate the Strand Bookstore (yes, getting lost in Manhattan is quite a feat- streets and avenues are numbered), but that turned out to be a good thing- saw quite a few interesting things along the way. Like this second hand bookshop which specialised in books on history and music. Eclectic. And also what was perhaps the highlight of the day- I think it deserves a paragraph to itself.

The 'New York Costumes' store- established to satisfy costume needs of your entire family and pet(s). Superman kitty? Or Princess Leia poochie? Darth Vader doggie, perhaps? And for the ladies- Goth fairy(!) and every other fairy you can think of, Nurse Feelbetter, French Maid (in about 137 different styles), Lydia the Tattoo Lady (my favourite), Belly Dancer, Witch (in 177 different styles)... For the gentlemen- Pirate costume, and er, that's all I can remember, sorry! Grotesque masks of all sorts, light sabres, fake blood, fake casts, fake wounds, Frankenstein and anythig else you could possibly think of. I have an especial talent for spotting bizarre things, wouldn't you agree?

Ate Ethiopian food- whatever I had looked (and even tasted a little) like a dosa! Wandered around Grand Central for an aimless couple of hours. Finished bulk of my shopping (Godiva chocolates) there, rather unexpectedly. They have a fancy food market there that sells, among other things, gourmet cheese. Hang on, this is supposed to be a railway station?

Took a cable car (only it's called a tram there) ride to Roosevelt Island to have dinner with grandmother's cousin, and her husband who works for the UN. Was astounded at what she served true to Kerala heritage, for dessert- nendram pazham appams (as opposed to Aappams that one eats for breakfast) with coconut ice-cream. Apparently said pazhams grow in the Caribbean! And here I was thinking that they're virtually unknown outside of God's own country...

The New York Public Library was visited. As was Ground Zero, Wall Street (I saw The Bull), Washington Square and the Village. Didn't go to the Empire State or the Statue of Liberty. Chrysler building was seen from a distance, Macy's from the taxi (I hate shopping) on the way to Penn Station- from where I caught the train back to Pittsburgh, bringing my trip to an (unwelcome) end.

Update: Someone came here looking for 'kicked him you-know-where' blog! To clarify, I've never kicked anyone anywhere. Google searches never fail to astonish me...

Those of you who came here looking for 'ftv nina', and that's quite a sizeable number of you, go away! Shoo! And don't come back! I don't have anything to do with Ftv, and won't ever. So there. I hope I've made myself clear?

And those among you who searched for 'Anna University rules/dresscode/cell phones' or some combination thereof, and landeg here, I hope you got the information you needed. If not, write to me-will be more than happy to share with you what (little) I know.

Finally, those who wanted 'Eef you come today/Raj Kumar/tick tick tick' or some combination thereof, the video is here. Thanks, DK, whoever you are for directing me to this. Am very, very sorry for not thanking you before, but I was occupied by other things- I really do have a valid excuse (for a change). Anyway, owe you one :) Eef you come today has gone mainstream, did you know? My brother saw it on Channel V the other day. And I missed it-me who introduced it to him... Oh, the injustice of it!

From Nigeria, With Love

Ooh, today must be my lucky day- the winners of the 2005 IgNobel award for Literature have written to me, inviting me to participate in their little scam, er, scheme...

From Kennedy Songo
Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire
Email: kensongo2@yahoo.com

Dearest one,

I will be very glad to hear from you. I am Kennedy Songo the son of late Mr. Victor Songo

My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan; the economic capital of Ivory Coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip.

My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on November in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Seven million five hundred thousand United State Dollars. ($7,500,000) left in one of the prime bank in Abidjan he used my name as his only son for the next of Kin in depositing of the money.

He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose such as real estate management or hotel management Sir, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.

1) To assist me claim out the money in the bank where my late father deposited the money.

2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since am still young and has no experience.

3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country.

Moreover, sir I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ you indicate your option towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen (14) days if you signify your interest to assist me. Anticipating to hearing from you soon. I am happy to have somebody like you as a guardian.
Please reply me directly to this email address: kensongo2@yahoo.com


Thanks and God bless.
Best regards,

Kennedy Songo

The favourite target of these Nigerian scamsters are Americans, it seems. Yes, they actually fall for this. Which doesn't come as a surprise, really. Read somewhere (can't provide the link, sorry, it's expired- that should teach me to save full text of interesting articles) that the Nigerian government has teamed up with Microsoft to clamp down on these guys...

You are absolutely and utterly alone in this world. Anyone who thinks otherwise is deluded. And a fool.