Please to get your hands on J.P.Donleavy's The Unexpurgated Code. At once, if you know what's good for you.
Knowing When You Have Reached the Top
Upon a chosen clement day, exercise a sartorial master stroke of impeccable taste. Don a neatly laundered and sharply pressed pair of flannel cricket trousers, white buckskin shoes, white moleskin hacking jacket with a red carnation in the lapel, silk shirt and purple tweed tie. In your summery stylish regalia, and really looking nice, poise on the sixth floor room balcony of a goodish old fashioned downtown hotel. When everyone is suitably assembled to watch you jump off to break your head, commence peeing. If no one tries to rush the hell out of your pissing all over them, you have reached the top.
This daily repeated ritual of symbolic castration does help to keep chaps in their place who might otherwise become roaring out of control gorillas. Those who have the audacious vanity to let sprout sideburns, moustaches and the like only call attention to their self advertised symptom of testicular curtailment...
...Being yourself a hairy ape accosted by some clean shaven rube who comes bleating at you with his bare face hanging out with the question.
'Hey why are you growing that beard.'
Always reply in pukka.
'I say, you unpleasantly unfortunate radoteur, I'm not doing a thing. You're shaving every day.'
Upon Travelling in Space
When your fellow passenger's dinner floats away from his mouth with weightlessness, gently push it back in his direction. Be doubly careful at your toiletries and remember, breaking wind in these rarefied atmospheres can be positively dangerous.
Arriving on the foreign planet, do not display your clod hopping primitive ways but attempt to imitate their modern ones. And don't above all try to get funny by telling a long string of earthy jokes to the first foreigner you see. Nor attempt any carnal linkage or saucy dovetailing until you know for sure where to put your what for into their this is it. Also you better hope to god you can get it out again. As you wouldn't know what the hell kind of magnetics they've got out there in some of them galaxies.